I’ve brushed my teeth, cleaned my face, got my glass of water and let the dogs out for a final pee – I’ve completed my night time routine, in other words. I am really tired, in fact, I can hardly keep my eyes open. I fall back on my most comfortable pillow, I pull my lovely quilt up to my chin, sigh deeply expecting sleep to overcome me with sweet repose.
Still. Wait. Sigh again. Think of black. Wait. Breathe. Did I...? No, it’s not important right now. Breathe. Wait. I need to.... No, it can wait till tomorrow. Open eyes. Stare at ceiling. What? Now I’m wide awake again. Crap! I need to go to sleep – I know I am really really tired. No good. Now, I’m awake and my mind is going 100 miles an hour again. Crap!
This is when I need a book. I need a story to stop me thinking about my own life for the 10 minutes it takes me to fall asleep. I need to read about something completely out of my own reality to get me to sleep – life in Japan in the 1800’s, building a house in Wyoming (Annie Proulx’s new book Bird Cloud), travels thru Mexico (Oh, Mexico by Lucy Neville is now on the bed-side table too), whatever. I need to have something that I can read and drop to sleep knowing that I can pick it up again tomorrow night and not have to even remember what I read the night before if I don’t want to.
I need a book to make me feel safe. It is like an appendage for me. I have had a book on the go since I was 6 (and believe me, that’s a long time ago) (not the same book, silly!) and now I actually get a bit of a panic attack if I finish a book and don’t pick another one up straight away. This does not apply to textbooks, by the way.
I have friends who are readers – I have written about them several times already – who do not need to be reading a book at all times. And when they tell me this it makes me a bit anxious for them. How do they go to sleep at night? What do they have to look forward to? I even have a friend who says that sometimes reading junk mail at night is all she can handle! I am assured by another friend that he falls to sleep seconds within his head hitting the pillow. In a way I am jealous of them. It must be nice to be able to turn your brain off so efficiently that going unconscious is a breeze. But in most ways I do not envy the wonders they miss when reading a book at night.
I get a little restless sitting for too long during day light hours. I never just watch TV without knitting or doing some other activity because it feels like a bit of a waste of time to me (and I get antsy). I hardly ever just sit and listen to music without engaging in another activity at the same time – dancing being one of my favourites. I will never reach Nirvana by means of meditation – darn! But a great book and a cuppa on a rainy day is a dream come true. That is the time I want a book.
My bedtime ritual is when I need a book. I don’t look at this as a negative thing. I see it as a joy. The neighbourhood lights are all out. There is no one I need to talk to. Nothing I need to do other than scrunch down in my comfy bed, turn on the bedside lamp and learn, love and live with my fictional friends (even if it’s nonfiction like the book I am reading at the moment called ‘The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot about the American woman who’s tumour cells, named HeLa cells, have been instrumental in medical research all over the world).
Even though I need my night book I am not looking to change this state. I love it and wish this much pleasure to everyone. The only time it is a problem is when I am somewhere, trying to go to sleep without a book. But that hardly ever happens. Almost always there is something to read everywhere. In an hotel I can call the desk and they will send up a magazine or a newspaper. Most people have books in their house I can borrow if I am a book-less guest. Camping – maybe not so much – but there is usually someone willing to tell a story or two to help the sleep process (and the last time I went camping was a thousand years ago and this status is unlikely to change!). If I am in an hotel in a foreign country where books are banned and there is no one to talk to – well, I guess I will just have to stay up all night. Might not be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But, tonight, I will be cleaning my teeth, washing my face, getting a glass of water, taking the dogs out for a last pee, and getting into bed with my book.
Need/Want = who cares? Good night, reading light, sleep tight.
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